I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
