3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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