I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize