That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize