there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
