I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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