This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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