new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Randomize
