guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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