Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Randomize
