Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
