Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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