He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize