i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
