you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
