don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
