Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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