I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
