I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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