did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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