I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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