Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
