420 ftw
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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