when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
