Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
