Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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