i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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