Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
