Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
