I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
How's work?
Spinning.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
