There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
