you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
