I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
It's shark week go big or go home
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
