When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
