my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
