Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
