After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
