is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
