my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
