i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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