connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
