I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
