That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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