I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
