my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Drake has all the answers
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
