there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
