Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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