Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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