her vagine was all disorganized.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
