just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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