if only i could text you this smell
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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