new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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