Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize