Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
