You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
